Never Enough Time

I want to share with you something that is very personal to me. I don't talk about it much at all but I think it is something that we can all relate to. I want to talk about the day my father died.

My father and I did not get along. In fact he really didn't get along with very many people. He was foul-mouthed and emotionally abusive to both me and my mother. I don't enjoy telling these things about him to anyone but it is the truth and the truth is what it is. I guess he did the best that he could. I am not saying that he was inherently bad. He was not evil but he was emotionally wounded and emotionally wounded people sometimes can do some cruel things.

On the morning of the day of his death we had an argument. He was in the bathroom and I had been working on my car and smashed my hand with the wrench and it was bleeding. I told him that I had to get in there. I said that I wished we had another bathroom. He came out screaming obscenities and calling me names. I got angry back and told him F**k you! We didn't talk after that. About three hours later, again he was in the bathroom he came out while I was watching TV. He fell backwards, hit his head on the hardwood floor and laid in front of me gasping his last few breaths looking at me with a glassy-eyed expression. It never occurred to me that somebody would die with there eyes open but I guess it is only in the movies that people die with them shut.

The paramedics came with advanced life support and bought him back three times but he ended up dying on the way to the hospital. I didn't even have the nerve to follow them to the hospital until a couple of hours later. I just knew that he did not make it. So, as fate would have it the last words that I said to my father were f**k you. He started the argument that we had but that ended up being of little consolation to me. It really did not matter, he was gone and we would never speak to each other again.

The funeral and wake were not much better. It went as well as could be expected since not only did me and my dad not get along but all of my relations on both my fathers and mothers side do not get along ether. There were several people who I just would have loved to throw out of there but at that space in time none of it seemed to really matter. My emotions were hollow except for one that of relief. Relief that we were never going to fight again. The fighting between us was ongoing. It never ended for any length of time. My upbringing was dysfunctional, my parents marriage was dysfunctional, there upbringing was dysfunctional and both of their families were dysfunctional (and still are!)

I am sitting here now on Valentines Day thinking about many things such as this. Today is more then just about romantic love . It is about the love between ourselves and anybody such as family and friends that in one way or another are close to us. let us not lose site of what is really important to us. Be careful of what you say to people that are close ti you. You may never get the chance to take it back.